For my loves.....When you are searching for love, read about how Mama drifted away from God while doing so....Part 2

For my loves, Rayson, Rayden and Rayes,

I attended Sunday School since young and I grew up in Church. I believe in God, Jesus, Heaven and all. However, God still seems to be very abstract to me. I talk to Him in prayers but how do I hear him? Something seems to be missing but what is it? The connection? The relationship? The passion? The heart? My love for Him?

Perhaps going to church has become a routine for me. Perhaps unknowingly I've become a Sunday Christian. Perhaps I was lost in a world who thought I know the way. Perhaps I was so blessed I began to take things for granted. I was struggling to find my place in this world, my identity and perhaps my meaning in life. The cannot-be-explained and complicated situation in my family probably makes it all the more difficult for me to speak out, I was in a very awkward position. 

Get me out of this place.

So each day passes by and as I was writing this, I felt guilty that I had wasted so much of my time then, I could have led a more fruitful life but then again, it's never too late to start. I believe all things work for good......

In university, I found something which I became very passionate about - Taekwondo (TKD). I was not really good in it but I did not really care as I enjoyed every bit of our training and looked forward to seeing the little improvements that I made. Trainings took up around 4 days per week during tournament seasons though I wish I could train every single day. Naturally, I became closer to my circle of TKD friends and started to spend more time hanging out with them. 

Life is fun and good! (or so I thought)

I started missing Bible classes on Wednesday nights because I had TKD trainings. I did not want to miss any trainings as I wanted to be better. I wanted to perform well in the tournaments. I wanted to be with my TKD friends. At this time in my life, God has no place in my heart. To make things even "better", I started going out with one of my seniors. Oh, I have found love and how wonderful it was! (or so I thought).

God can wait. Heaven is far away.

My fear (a little maybe) for God has helped to keep my feet (a little toe maybe) on the ground. Though I had already gotten used to missing Bible classes, missing Sunday worships seemed unimaginable to me. I know I had to attend church on Sundays no matter what, I had been doing this all these years. I did not have the courage to leave (thank God). However, I was probably a soul-less person during service. I could not wait for time to pass so that I could go home. 

My relationship did not go too well. The senior whom I'm going out with wasn't opened to the idea of going to church with me. He thought we should respect each other's religion and used this as a reason for not being able to let this relationship progress further. I prayed to God that everything will work out (while my mama prayed that things wouldn't work out =p). Like a wilful child, I want God to give me what I want. I had an answer in my heart and God knew. I was ready to compromise. I could accept the possibility of having a family with him even if he didn't even bother to try to step into the church with me.

Well, to cut the story short, things turned ugly eventually and everything ended abruptly or maybe not abruptly because I should have seen it coming. I thank God for such an arrangement, else the stubborn me would keep on hanging there for good and wasted many more good years ahead.

I was finally freed.

One good thing about me is I wasn't one to wallow in sorrow. Life went on as usual. However, the skies above seemed to be darker everyday. At this point however, there is one place which I longed to return. Besides my Mummy who is always there for me, the one who has been praying fervently for me all those years, the one who has been suffering more than me watching me suffer, like the prodigal son, I want to return to God. I started attending Bible classes again with my heart and soul, not just a lifeless body. The changes is within me, I knew it and I could feel it and maybe only God and I know. Not that I am doing very well spiritually but the Word of God touches me more than ever it has ever done so. God is real, He's my God, my Father in Heaven.

You might be puzzled and asking : How come? But you have been attending church since you were young and God only became real to you at 24 years old?

I tell you, honestly I don't know the answer. If I know, I wouldn't have struggled. Maybe my heart has been closed all these while, I don't know. (Shrug)

As time passed, I could feel the skies clearing. It wasn't dark and gloomy anymore. I could feel the sun and the air smelled fresher. Life is good after all. I went out on some dates but I soon got tired of it. I was tired of this whole process of starting to know a person, getting to know him well and then wondering about his past. Besides, being a teacher made me so busy and tired that the only indulgence during my weekends is a good Japanese meal with my Mummy. I don't think I have any more energy for any other relationships.

Eventually, I made a decision that I would be happy to stay this way. Perhaps God thinks that it is better for me to stay single and be with Him, than to find a partner and fall away again, it is too risky for me. Perhaps this is what God wants. Maybe. Maybe this is what's best for me. Maybe being single would give me more time to serve God, without any distractions. Maybe. 

All relationships in this world will eventually end, the only one which will last through eternity is my relationship with God. So, let me focus on spreading His word and not waste any more time. 

Even though I dreamt of having a family of my own with lots of kids since I was a little girl, I will gladly accept what God has planned for me.

If I have God, I have everything

               

 To be continued in Part 3.....